Category: stupid stuff

Not by Bread Alone

I seem to consume a lot when I’m in the middle of a really productive period.  Not a lot of food, but lots of liquids and information.  If I can get away with it, I’ll spend about 50% of my day reading stuff online, learning about random things (recent searches from my laptop: “difference between baking soda and baking powder,” “what is Esperanto?”, “seraphim,” “surname meanings ‘w’,” “graphic novels,” and “egg substitutions”).  The rest of my day (50% for those of you who can’t do the math) I spend writing and drinking.  Coffee is the most obvious, since you can smell it when you walk in.  Water, however, is the most copious.  For every gallon of coffee I drink while working, I’d say I drink at least four gallons of water.

But really, if you wanted to get technical about it, I probably spend 40% of my day reading online, 40% writing and drinking, and 20% of my day going to the bathroom.  Because nothing goes through you faster than coffee, water and information.


Rather than get into all the stuff I keep promising to, I’m going to let you in on something awesome I invented today: coffee candy.

The inspiration for coffee candy comes from Maggie Brown’s (a restaurant/bar near Pratt in Brooklyn).  There, after eating an $8 burger or $11 hot wings, patrons are served a delicious piece of chocolate with coffee grains in it.  Chocolate with coffee grains in it is exactly what I invented today.

I’m aware that it isn’t considered “inventing” if you just copy something someone else has already made, but I figured out how to replicate it without a recipe or any guidance, so I’m taking what I call “credit” for it.

Here’s how to enjoy some yourself:

  1. Melt some chocolate chips of your choice.  I used Milk Chocolate Chips (which I’m told you should never use for chocolate chip cookies) because that’s what I had.  I’m told some people also like Semi-Sweet Chocolate and still others like Dark Chocolate.
  2. Add the coffee grains of your choice.  I used a dark breakfast blend whose name I forget because I threw the package away back in January, but if you don’t like caffeine or you plan to eat these chocolates before going to bed, I’d suggest using your favorite decaf.
  3. Stir.
  4. Drop on wax paper or tin foil, whatever.
  5. Cool.
That’s it.  You may think I’ve got a lot of nerve taking credit for something this simple, but I may think you’re stupid.  It’s hard to say.

What’s Got Fatty So Worried?

Or, “Things That Make Me Paranoid About Pregnancy”
(Presented in no particular order.)

  1. Enis getting switched at birth with someone else’s baby or kicked out of the nest by a parasite baby like those one birds have. I’ve already begged Josh to keep a marker in his pocket so he can write something on Enis the second the doctor hands him over. Failing that, I’ve also made Josh promise that he’ll follow the staff everywhere if they have to take Enis out of my room for any reason. I’m not raising someone else’s baby.
  2. Not knowing when labor starts. I’ve heard this fear is fairly common, but I feel like it’s more likely to happen to me.
  3. Calling my doctor when labor starts. Because one, how can I call if I don’t know? Two, how can I call if I don’t have her number and it’s the middle of the night? Three, I don’t want to ask for her number.
  4. Forgetting to zip my fly when I don’t have to wear maternity pants anymore. For 9 months I’ve been pulling them down and pulling them up, mission accomplished. This is how habits are formed, people!