by Jubal Van Zandt
a guest blog on Revived Earth Tech by the greatest thief in the history of the planet
There’s no bit of tech across the Revived Earth as pervasive as the wristpiece. You’ve got one, and you use it every day for basically everythi—
Oh yeah, guy who always contradicts better-looking guys to make himself sound smart, you almost never use yours? Then how do you pay for stuff? How do you message your coworkers? How do you download books, articles, and infograms? How do you reserve flights or watch hyperporn or hack into your coworkers’ wristpieces to find out why they’re ignoring your messages? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Now shut up and let me talk.
The rest of you want to get the most out of your wristpiece. I’m here to tell you how to do that in four easy steps.
- Get the e-skeleton key app
I know it sounds like the kind of thing only a common breaker would download, but I—the best thief in the history of the Revived Earth—am here to tell you that an e-skeleton key app can be the difference between life and death, especially when you’re trying to escape armed authority figures. Give the goons the slip, find a getaway vehicle, break in, download the brand-specific override, let your wristpiece interact with the electronic ignition, and vroom, you’re burning rubber. It’s also nice for breaking into and out of compounds with first-gen locks.
- Stay out of third-world countries
This is a biggie, and not just because most third world countries can’t be bothered to build a decent luxury hotel. Almost all underdeveloped nations are too focused on fighting pointless civil wars and complaining about their food crises to maintain a decent laptic grid. (Looking at you, Nytundi.) Your $700 UltraDef Holochannel add-on? Completely useless when there’s no reception.
- Hook up your incidentals accounts to your wristpiece and set it to autopay
Pretty self-explanatory. When you’re on a job, you can’t be expected to pay out-of-pocket for daily necessities like meals, parking, and the naughty-spanky holochannel.
Side note: Make sure your client sets up the incidentals account in your name or they’ll feel like they can check your charges and complain about the definition of “necessity.”
- Hidden weapons are a must
I don’t care if you’re a stay-at-home parent of two, a Guild knight, or a devilishly handsome rogue dictating a how-to about wristpieces to your biographer, you need a weapon hidden somewhere in your wristpiece. For this, I say play to your strengths. If you’re the hands-off type, download a hypersonic effect app and make that jerk who always contradicts you vomit up his spinal column at the daily staff meeting. If you’re more touchy-feely, a retractable brushdeath set into the band might be more your style. Whatever works for you.
The point is not to underestimate the usefulness of your wristpiece. Mine even has an app for telling time. If you’ve got other tips or tricks for getting the most out of your wristpieces, speak up in the comments section. We’ll crowdsource the balls off this topic.
Jubal Van Zandt is the greatest thief in the history of the Revived Earth. When he’s not writing guest blogs, he’s breaking into and out of unbreakable fortresses, lifting priceless objects, and bedding gorgeous women. His striking physical beauty is only surpassed by his incredible mental prowess. He wrote this bio himself because no one else proved capable of sufficiently capturing his roguish charm in words. You can read more about Jubal in Jubal Van Zandt and the Revenge of the Bloodslinger.